Understanding Conflict: Looking Beyond the Disagreement

A conflict can appear simple when described from the outside. One person wants one thing. Another person wants something different. A disagreement follows.

But the subject being argued about is not necessarily the whole conflict.

Two colleagues may appear to be arguing about meeting notes. A couple may appear to be arguing about dirty dishes. Business partners may appear to disagree about money. Yet beneath those visible disagreements may be questions of recognition, workload, trust, authority, security, respect, expectations or identity.

Conflict Begins With Differences

People have different needs, expectations, priorities, experiences, values, responsibilities and ways of communicating. Those differences do not necessarily create conflict.

Conflict begins when differences start to compete with one another, or when one person's needs, expectations or priorities are experienced as interfering with those of another.

The visible disagreement may therefore be only the point at which different needs, expectations or meanings collide.

Four Dimensions of Conflict

One useful way of understanding conflict is to consider four dimensions: personal, relational, structural and cultural.

1. Personal Dynamics

Personal dynamics concern what is happening within each individual: needs, values, expectations, fears, stress, priorities, financial pressures, previous experiences or other circumstances affecting how the person responds.

Further conversation may reveal pressures that change our understanding of behaviour without automatically determining what should happen next.

2. Relational Dynamics

People have histories with one another. Previous disagreements, disappointments, misunderstandings and communication patterns can shape the present dispute.

Useful questions include: How do these people usually communicate? What has happened between them previously? What does each person expect from the relationship? What happens when they disagree? How much trust exists between them?

3. Structural Dynamics

Sometimes the environment itself contributes to conflict. A workplace may have unclear responsibilities, insufficient staff, limited resources, unrealistic deadlines, unclear policies, senior-management pressure or unequal decision-making authority.

If only personalities are discussed, an important part of the conflict may remain untouched.

4. Cultural Dynamics

Cultural understandings may influence attitudes toward authority, disagreement, directness, respect, family responsibilities, workplace behaviour, religion or communication styles.

Culture should not be used to make assumptions. The useful question is not, “What do people from this culture normally do?” but “What does this mean to this particular person?”

The “Bag” We Bring Into Conflict

Every person enters conflict carrying an invisible bag of experience: family relationships, education, profession, successes, disappointments, values, fears, expectations, culture, identity, responsibilities, losses and hopes.

The same is true of the person helping them resolve the dispute. A mediator also has experiences, assumptions and values. That is one reason self-awareness and curiosity are important.

Looking Beneath Positions

People usually begin by stating positions: “I want him to pay.” “I want the house cleaned.” “I want the employee transferred.”

Positions tell us what somebody says they want. They do not necessarily tell us why it matters.

A useful way to explore deeper is: Position → Interest → Need → Value or Meaning.

For a dispute about keeping a house tidy, the position may be “I want the house kept clean.” The interest may be wanting to relax after work. The need may be for home not to feel like another source of responsibility. Beneath that may be a wish to feel noticed and cared for in the relationship.

The dishes were real. But the conflict was larger than the dishes.

Why Understanding Comes Before Solutions

There is a strong temptation to move quickly towards solutions: divide the work, apologise, compromise. Sometimes those ideas may eventually be useful. But solutions offered before the conflict is understood can address the surface while leaving the underlying problem untouched.

A more sustainable outcome becomes possible when participants develop clearer understanding of what they want, why they want it, what matters most, what the situation means to them, what affects the other person, and what broader forces are contributing to the disagreement.

This is also why a mediator should be cautious about becoming the person who produces the solution too early. Part of the work is to help participants understand the conflict well enough that they are better able to respond to it themselves.

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