When people think about communication, they often think first about speaking: choosing the right words, explaining a position clearly, or asking the right questions.
Yet effective communication also depends on something quieter — the ability to listen.
In mediation, listening is not simply remaining silent while another person speaks. It is an active attempt to understand what that person is communicating: what they are saying, what appears important to them, how they are experiencing the situation, and sometimes what is not being expressed directly in words.
Good listening can reveal much more than a person's stated position. It can help uncover the concerns, interests, emotions and needs that may be driving the conflict beneath the surface.
Listening With Our Own Agenda
In ordinary conversations, we often listen while doing something else mentally. While another person is speaking, we may already be preparing our response, thinking of advice, comparing their experience with our own, deciding whether we agree, or trying to predict what they will say next.
We may still hear the words, but part of our attention has shifted from the speaker to ourselves.
For example, a friend may describe a difficult situation at work. Before the friend has finished, we may already be thinking: “I know exactly what you should do.”
That reaction may be well-intentioned. But the conversation has quietly shifted from understanding their experience to considering our solution.
In conflict, this tendency can become even stronger. We may listen mainly to identify weaknesses in the other person's account, prepare a response, defend ourselves, or prove our own version of events.
Listening With the Other Person's Agenda
A different kind of listening begins when attention remains with the speaker. Instead of immediately asking how we should respond, we become curious about the other person's experience:
- What happened?
- What do they want?
- Why is that important to them?
- How has the situation affected them?
- What are they concerned about?
- What do they need?
This type of listening does not require agreement. Nor does it require the listener to accept everything being said as fact. It simply means trying to understand the situation from the speaker's perspective before forming conclusions.
People in conflict may be repetitive, emotional, defensive or difficult to follow. They may begin by talking about money, a decision, a contract, an apology or a particular incident, while the deeper concern is recognition, fairness, respect, security, trust or control.
Careful listening gives those deeper concerns a chance to emerge.
Listening to What Is Not Said
Communication does not take place only through words. Tone of voice, pauses, facial expressions, body language, hesitation and changes in emotion may all provide information about how someone is experiencing a conversation.
A person may say, “It doesn't matter.” Yet their tone or hesitation may suggest that it matters very much.
These signals can be useful, but they should not be treated as proof. Instead of declaring, “You are angry,” a listener might check the observation: “You seem frustrated when we discuss this. Is that right?”
If the observation is correct, the person may explain further. If it is wrong, they can correct it.
Listening Does Not Mean Agreeing
Understanding another person's position does not mean accepting it. It is possible to understand why a person wants something while strongly disagreeing with what they want. It is also possible to understand why somebody behaved in a particular way without approving of that behaviour.
A mediator may therefore help one participant understand the other's perspective without suggesting that either version is correct.
Listening asks a different question: What is happening for this person?
Showing That We Have Heard
Good listening should eventually become visible in the conversation. Three useful communication tools are summarising, reframing and mirroring.
Summarising
A listener can identify central points and return them in a shorter form: “So, from what you have explained, you feel that you have been carrying most of the workload, and what is troubling you most is that your contribution does not seem to be recognised. Have I understood you correctly?”
Reframing
Conflict frequently produces accusatory language. “He never listens. He only cares about himself.” may contain an important concern. A reframed response might be: “It sounds as though having your views considered when decisions are made is important to you.”
Mirroring
Mirroring involves recognising an apparent emotion or experience and checking it: “You seem disappointed when you describe what happened. Is that accurate?”
Listening Can Change the Quality of Conflict
Listening does not automatically resolve disagreement. What it can do is change the quality of the conversation. A demand may reveal a concern. An accusation may reveal disappointment. Resistance may reveal fear. A rigid position may reveal an important need that has not yet been expressed clearly.
This is one reason listening is so important in mediation. Through careful listening, questioning, summarising and reframing, the mediator helps make the conflict more understandable to the people experiencing it.
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Note: This article provides general information about mediation and dispute resolution and does not constitute legal advice for a particular dispute.
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